Sometimes I just want to scream, shout, crawl up in a ball, pout and push everybody out and just stay there, like live there for real. Thankfully, this doesn’t happen often but it doesn’t help that I think too much! HE’S still working on me with my over thinking, being too analytical, just over kill on stuff and so much more…whew. Sometimes things and or people will set off triggers that remind me of my past, my old ways and lifestyle and I just start to cry. I mean like boo-hoo cry. And I’m not crying for joy because I’m no longer who I used to be but because I hate who I use to be. I look back and wish I could look back on the past of somebody who had it altogether. During those times, I thought I did, at least in my own eyes and and based on my own righteousness. I thought to myself, hmm…I don’t do this like so and so, I don’t do that like so and so, so I’m good. At least I’m better than them, right? Wrong!
I was deceived y’all. I couldn’t see or hear and neither did I want to. I had no filter. I was reckless. I was a mess. I had no real regard for life. Hell, I didn’t even know what life was. I knew that I existed but I wasn’t living. I was Lost to be found, Hallelujah! If it wasn’t for the Grace of GOD and HIM sending my husband when he did I probably would be some where suffering from depression and a whole lot of other things. I get so upset with myself and the bad choices I’ve made in friendships/relationships, education, giving away my virginity to the wrong guy, having numerous pre-marital relationships, having children out of wedlock, trusting the wrong people and so much more that I probably don’t have room to write it all here, seriously! I looked at life through a tiny peep hole in the door as opposed to looking out the window. You do know the view from the window is much clearer than the peep hole, right?
I know a lot of my behaviors were a direct result to many things that were lacking in my life. My mom was killed when I was fifteen and my dad was not in my life in my older days as he had been in my younger days. I’m not blaming it all on those things or trying to excuse away my faults but I know those things played a crucial part in my character shaping or the lack thereof. We know some people can grow up in the perfect home and still not be balanced and some can grow up in a not so perfect home and be balanced. Who can do the math on that? Early in life I made some bad choices/decisions that I have to live with. Some for the rest of my life and some for a few more years. You know, like reaping what you have sown, That’s real you know? It doesn’t matter how much you change in life or try to right your wrongs, you gotta deal with the consequences of those things one day, you can bet on it! Ain’t no dodging it, praying it away, speaking in tongues it away. No, none of that, it is what it is.
It was all about having fun for the moment and when it was over and I had to look back on it, reality set in that…oh no, I’ve been setup by the enemy, lol. But for real y’all, I know majority of us if not all wish we could get some do overs in life but unfortunately we don’t, no matter what some may say. I wouldn’t want to leave here and come back as someone else I didn’t know anyways, that’s just creepy if you ask me but I digress.
Sooo… what have I learned to do when I find myself having these moments in life where I want to just scream, shout, crawl up in a ball, pout and push everybody out? I just do it! I scream, shout, crawl up in a ball, pout and try to push everybody out but then I quickly see myself or my husband does. Isn’t that called being a busy-body or something, meddling in other people’s affairs? Hmm…I’ll have to look into that further…lol. Anyway, back to the topic at hand. I begin to see that I’m acting selfish. I bring myself back to the remembrance that I can’t change the pass and I sure can’t change people but I can change how I respond to what’s trying to get my attention and take me off focus. I ask the LORD to take my cares because I can’t handle them. I ask HIM for HIS peace that surpasses all understanding. I remember that HE no longer remembers my past, so why am I allowing myself to go there. I remember that I’m not defined by my past and the ending of a thing is better than the beginning. I remember that GOD will take what I’ve been through in my past and use me to help deliver someone else. I also remember that I’m human and it’s quite natural for me to go there because even though I’m saved, my flesh and mind is not and I still have to bring every thought under the obedience of CHRIST. I have to think on the things HE told me to. It’s not always easy especially in my own strength so that’s why I depend and rely on HIM because I just can’t y’all.
I basically encourage myself like David did. My husband will also encourage me if he picks up on it and he usually always does, that’s what happens when you marry a MOG( Man of GOD). He never lets me have pity parties and sometimes that is quite annoying (as my second oldest likes to say). You know how, sometimes you just want to go there for a little while, when you get mad or because it feels good to your flesh? Oh, I’m by myself on that one? Oh, OK then, go ahead then with y’all super saved selves; just kidding, smile, it looks better on you.
Finally Beloved, I encourage you today to give it all to HIM if you ever find yourself in similar situations. It’s ok if you go there but just don’t stay there! Don’t allow things in that try to come in and mess up your house (your spirit). As we keep growing in the Grace and Knowledge of CHRIST and become more Mature in HIM AND HIS WORD, we will see these things for what they really are, distractions and or test/trials of our Faith that come to perfect us or things the enemy uses to wear out our patience and to get us to doubt GOD’S LOVE & Grace. I have much more to say to you but time is limited right now and so am I. Until next time…
May GOD’S Grace abound towards you and yours! I bid you farewell with a Heavenly Kiss!
~KeepN It Real With Me/Us~